I'll find the photos then.
The Fringe Photos
G-I-F = Graphics Interchange Format
I thought about photobucket today. I realized that it had been well over a year since I had even been to this photo sharing site. I knew that I had over time uploaded hundreds of photos of The Fabulous Fringe Family so I decided to start looking thru the albums to find them. I got side tracked. Immediately I noticed all of these moving photos. I wondered if these photos had been constantly moving. For over a year. I have all of my albums in Photobucket marked private so I knew that no one else had looked at them. Did the photos suddenly come alive when I opened the album? When I once again looked at them? When I noticed their movement? The photos reminded me of people. When you notice someone, when you look at them even when no one else does. They come alive. They move smile wave light up glow! When you're noticed by someone else you come alive. You start to move to laugh to dance. Just because you were noticed-looked at-opened. I think most
people shut down when they aren't seen. Who knows if the GIF keeps moving? When it's not opened up, not noticed, not looked at. I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow. ....for now I'm just going to watch the movement.
Lora: You're aiming high. Steve: Why not? It doesn't cost anymore. Don't you believe in chasing rainbows?
Annie: How do you tell a child that she was born to be hurt?
Sarah Jane: Miss Lora, you don't know what it means to be... different...
Steve: Your bones... Lora Meredith: What about my bones? Steve: They're perfect. My camera could easily have a love affair with you.
A struggling young actress with a six-year-old daughter sets up housekeeping with a homeless black widow and her light-skinned eight-year-old daughter who rejects her mother by trying to pass for white.
Sometimes I feel like my life is just an Imitation! Of Life.
Patrick, Ken, David, Bobby, & Will. I still love them all. Especially Will. Will was number five and number one. The one that died.
I left New Mexico and moved to Delaware. With Bobby. We were best of friends. Not lovers anymore. Bobby soon met a man and moved to Ocean City.
I met Will.
Will was the one that cost me extra. He was the only one of five that was not a cosmetologist, a barber, a hairdresser!
I remember thinking how odd it was that I could fall in love with someone that couldn't take care of my needs. My hair needs. Bobby still did my hair. Color and cuts. Will took care of all the rest.
The two of us moved to Florida. I had to pay a stranger to take care of my needs. My hair needs. Will took care of the rest. Well-most of the time.
I often wonder how it is that one falls in love. Is the decision calculated? What is it about this one person that makes you want to become two? I never went out looking for someone that could do my hair. Yet until I fell in love with Will the other four could. Do I still love Will the most because he was number five? Is it because he is the one that died? I do know that Will was the one. The one that should not have died. The one that made me lonely being one. If I took the other four away from the five I am still left with one. Maybe love is a calculated numbers game. And ONE is the loneliest number.
Aboriginal Man: So... You actually make money by dressing up like a woman? Tick: Oh, sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels.
Summer. August 1994 I was living in Albuquerque, NM. A friend of mine calls and invites me to go the movies. I asked him what movie. His reply: "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"
I hadn't at this point heard of the movie but being a queen and living in the desert-loving adventure-and having one of my favorite Aunties being named Priscilla I thought how Fabulous is this gonna be. And I was right. When you need to laugh, listen to great music, pick up some great one line zingers, enjoy fabulous clothing, get lost for 104 minutes, or simply learn a new way to play ping-pong then rent this movie.
I give it 5 FABS!!!
Tag Line from IMDb:
She's back... Looking as gorgeous and outrageous as ever in a brand new frock.
Finally, a comedy that will change the way you think, the way you feel, and most importantly... the way you dress.
And it did.
Some of my favorite quotes are:
Bernadette: No, I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people, talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba! Tick: Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?
Bernadette: [to Felicia] That's just what this country needs: a cock in a frock on a rock.
Mitzi: [to Felicia] You know, there are two things I don't like about you, Felicia... your face. So how 'bout shutting both of them?
Tick: [to Felicia] Is it true when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?
Tick: [to Felicia and Bernadette] Aren't we fabulous?
Starring. Hugo Weaving ... Tick / Mitzi Guy Pearce ... Adam / Felicia Terence Stamp ... Bernadette
Enjoy the trailer and then watch or re-watch the movie. You'll be glad you did!
Father was seldom home. He was either at his liquor store or gambling or at a ballgame or somewhere other than home. He was always with other men. A real "mans man". He loved sports both on the television and on the field. And memories of the War.
Father had homosexual friends. He would spend hours visiting with them. At his liquor store and other places I am sure. I now wonder if "visiting" would be the correct term to describe Father's time with his friends. Times were soooo different then. The fifties and the sixties. All but one of Father's "Friends" were married. This is the "friend" he spent the most time with. He was a "confirmed bachelor".
It was unheard of for men not to marry. Men had to marry. And have children. It was simply not right for men not to marry. And so they did. They married and had children and some avoided being at home while spending time "visiting" with their "confirmed bachelor" friends.
Yes, times are so different now. Most men avoid marriage and children as long as possible and most of these marriages end in DIVORCE! Isn't it ironic that today's "confirmed bachelors" are fighting for the right to be married. And have children. In most of AMERICA it would be unheard of for men to get married. Men can't marry. It simply would not be right.
I often wonder just when it will be. Heard of, right, not different, confirmed, simply simple.
Auntie Lucetta & Auntie Lusindawere sister's. Twins. Old Maids. They lived with one another from the day they were born until the day they died. They were both fabulous but for different reasons. They looked exactly alike but seldom dressed alike.
Auntie Lucetta was just like Mother -- Glamorous. Auntie Lusinda not so much. Auntie Lucetta smoked & loved her liquor almost as much as she loved her men. She fascinated me. I wanted to be her. Auntie Lusinda loved to bake. Cakes and Pies. Every time they came to visit Auntie Lusinda would go to Mother's grove for fresh fruits. Auntie Lucetta would drink-and smoke.The following day Auntie Lusinda would always return with a cake or a pie fresh from her oven. Auntie Lusinda was loved by all the towns folk. Auntie Lucetta not so much.
Auntie Lusinda was driving her new Pontiac home one rainy evening in April. 1968. The Aunties had been visiting all evening with Mother. Auntie Lucetta drinking, smoking, & laughing with Mother. Auntie Lusinda not so much. The police came late that night to the big house on the hill. I remember lying in bed dreaming of summer and as always when a car would drive up the hill the headlights would come thru my windows and reflect on the mirror from my dresser and the light would begin circling my room. I loved watching this. It was magical. The dreams of summer and the magical lights ended as soon as I heard Mother scream out--Nooo-Nooo-Nooooooo-THIS CAN'T BE TRUE!!! I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs followed by the other four and ran into Mother's arms. Through whispered tears Mother told us that Auntie Lusinda had lost control of the Pontiac, drove off a cliff, car exploded, both Aunties dead. Together they were born and together they died. The towns folks still to this day tell stories of Auntie Lusinda. Auntie Lucetta not so much!
The past is at times hard to remember and very easy to forget. Other times the past is easy to remember and very hard to forget. I guess this just depends on what memory I am wanting to echo.
I love looking at old family photo's. The older the photo the more interesting it is to me. Sometimes I can remember the story behind the photo and sometimes the stories Mother shared with me are gone. Vanished! I do know that Mother shared with me all her memories of the old folks. However just like families with to many folks there are also photo's with to many stories. When I look at a photo that has no memory I create one for it. I always find this much more intriguing than actually remembering Mother's stories. Oh, Mother's stories were fabulous but the ones lost to time now belong to me. My mind is free to take me on a journey anywhere I want to go. And I do. It might be days, months or even years before I look at this photo again and when I do the memory is once again lost. Vanished! Echo's in time, memories made, shared stories, real, envisioned, fabricated, visualized, gone, faded, spoken, silenced. Over time does it really matter? No. Only the photo's matter and the adventures they take me on.
Grand Ma Ma & Grand Pa Pa sold vegetables & fruits.
In the late afternoon and early mornings we would pick the fresh fruits and vegetables that had come from seeds planted only a few weeks before.
Together we would fill the stand and sell them to the vacationers on their way to the beach. This was the beginning of my career in retail. And my sexuality. I was 15.
I will never forget helping a man from DC to his car with bags full of fresh fruit and vegetables. As he got into the drivers seat he slowly lifted up his shorts while staring into my eyes and I was hypnotized. Numb! I can still remember the feelings quivering thru my body. These feelings were new to me but they would last a lifetime.
The stranger asked if we had a restroom that he could use and I told him to follow me. I yelled over to Grand Ma Ma that I was going to show the nice man where the out house was. As always she replied “ OK Darlin”. I loved my Grand Ma Ma.
Sex By The Outhouse.
This now makes me laugh but at the time I loved it. After that experience I never wanted to be anywhere other than Grand Ma Ma's working the fruit stand. I have come to realize that this is why I do not like to live in cold climates. In the winter the fruit stand was closed and what I craved was not available. I hated the winter. I still do! I hated the big house on the hill that was filled with to many people and to much cocoa. In the winter I had to stay at Mother's because of school. I loved the weekends because I was back at Grand Ma Ma's & Grand Pa Pa's. There wasn't any "Sex By The Outhouse" in the winter but plenty of memories and dreams of what would grow the following summer. In the garden and by the outhouse.
Will loved music. And movies. Comedy and Horror! The two ends of the spectrum! Sorta like Will & me- In every respect we always had one thing in common-we were exact opposites. One of the few exceptions to this was-"SORDID LIVES" the movie. We were obsessed. We could both quote the movie as the DVD was playing on the tele. And we did. Sometimes we would even turn down the sound and say the lines just as if we were the characters. I would always do Brother Boy and Will loved being Doctor Eve. I was Sissy and Will was Noleta. I was Latrelle to Will's Aunt LaVonda. Opposite's in love just like the characters we were playing. In my life I've always found it so much easier and fulfilling to fall in love with an antonym rather than a synonym. Synonyms are for friendship.
On the evening of July 22, 2006 Will wanted to once again watch "SORDID LIVES". We both needed to laugh. For over a year I had watched my partner, my lover, my best friend, my antonym die a little more everyday. Will was much to weak to play our game but we did laugh. And we cried. This would be the last time for laughter but the begining of endless crying. Will died the next morning. So did I. Oh sure I was able to talk and walk and together his Mother and I planned the funeral. But I was dead. I was a Zombie just like in the Horror movies Will so much loved to watch. I Was The Walking Dead.
A few days after Will's funeral I moved to LA. Still a Zombie. I was reading the theater section of the LA Times and there it was. A message from Will??? For the first time in weeks I could feel. I felt my blood begin to warm and I could feel it flowing thru my veins. Words on a page were like brains to a Zombie "A Season Of Shores". I awoke.
I spent the rest of that "SEASON" at The Zephyr Theater. SORDID LIVES, THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF A TRAILER TRASH HOUSEWIFE, & SOUTHERN BAPTIST SISSIES.
Even though most of the these nights at the theater I went alone I never really was. I could feel again. I could feel Will sitting beside me. I could hear him laughing thru me. I could hear myself laughing. I was alive.
So much has happened since that "Season Of Shores" but those are tales for another day. One thing I will let you know. I am proud to call Del Shores my friend-my good friend, my synonym.
Call it Fate, Chance, Destiny, Karma--I call it "DEVINE WILL"
And so I will use the words of my friend the brilliant play write Del Shores to end my story for today.
Will died. Over 5 years later and still I miss him. Everyday.
Will loved to laugh. One of his greatest joys in life was bringing laughter to friends & family. And especially me. Will loved movies and music. One of his all time favorite movies was "Sordid Lives" by Delferd Shores. Mine too. Tag line "A black comedy about white trash" Will would always say that he was raised trash and had to stay trash or jump out of the can. He jumped. I caught him.
The year was 1996 and for the next ten years we lived, loved, fought, worked, and laughed together.
The very day that Will moved into my home I received in the mail Patti Labelle's "Live-One Night Only" DVD. We both adored Patti and as soon as we got settled in we began watching. This would be the first of many many many viewings of this! Our favorite song on the DVD was
"If you love me (Hymne a L'amour)"
Stories from these ten years need to and will be told. For now let's jump to the end.
Will died on July 23,2006.
I moved to LA. One night soon after my arrival I looked up into the dark sky and asked Will for a sign that he was ok. Just then a shooting star filled the sky and as I watched I began to weep. Will had answered.
I can still remember how excited I would become when Grand Ma Ma would say to me "OK Darlin-let's fire up the kiln." As a child I felt as if we were creating life. While Grand Ma Ma was delicately deciding exactly which molds she wanted to use I would begin stirring the porcelain slip. Once Grand Ma Ma had chosen her molds she would clean the insides out with a bristled brush to remove any sign of dirt or dust. Then my favorite part! Grand Ma Ma would say "OK Darlin-blow on em real hard now and make sure you get em nice and clean"! I loved doing this and still do. Although not so much on Dolls.
Next Grand Ma Ma using a strainer lined with one of her old nylon stocking's would strain the porcelain. After letting this sit for 10 minutes or so she would fill her molds. "much to heavy of a job for you darlin" Grand Ma Ma would always say. Sooo many more steps we would have to take until the molds were ready to fire up in the kiln. Thinking back on making dolls with Grand Ma Ma I really did very little but at the time it seemed like she was letting me do so much. She made me feel so special while watching her bring porcelain to life.
I loved to watch her paint the dolls. Every stroke was brushed with love. My eyes were filled with gaiety as Grand Ma Ma would use her pallet of paint to bring her dolls to life! That was Grand Ma Ma's Magic. Bringing Dolls to life. And Cooking. Grand Ma Ma loved to cook.
Father owned Liquor stores. He lived in them. Rarely was he home. He was either at one of his stores or he was Gambling. Most everyday Father would drive us to school. If he wasn't home then we walked. That was usually all we would see of him. Except Sundays. Sunday's were for Mother's breakfast and then Church.
One night while closing up one of his stores he was murdered. Hit on the head with a lead pipe and robbed. The police never found the killer. Mother died that night also. Oh she was still alive but it would be some time before she would begin living again. Mother five children no Father no Husband. It was Tragic.
Mother loved younger men. She had no time for any man over 40! She could of re-married any number of older men but that wasn't what Mother wanted. Mother wanted Youth. I was always very aware that the men she preferred to date always had a tad more interest in me than they should have. This excited me. I often wondered why Mother dated this type of men. I now know that she dated them not for love or sex. She wanted to steal from these men their greatest treasure. Youth. I do believe than you can retain some of your youth just by surrounding yourself with it but it is really impossible to steal it from another. Still Mother tried. Always with Gay men. Looking back I think maybe she did this for me.
It was 58 minutes after I arrived and in fifty-three years this one would be gone. This arrival was of my likeness but not the same at all. It was before me that the one who was opposite arrived 6 years previous. And it was eight years of time before one of the same, the one that did not like, arrived first. The last time this was to occur, the arrival would be the same as myself minus six. What began as seven during that period of fifteen would become four in sixty one. And so I was born in the middle. The middle of what? I am still trying to answer that question. This much I do know.
It was the time when The land was large and the people were small . It was the time that has been forgotten by most and cherished by even fewer. It was the time when the land was at peace and the people were happy. It was the Time for The Leave of the Beaver and the Time for Making Room for the Father. It was the Time of the Three sons and the Time to say Hi to Howdy. It was the Time when dreams became reality because the man with the Double D’s ruled the planet. It was the Time of Honesty. It was the Time of my birth.
I was the one that was born GAY!
As a child I would hide in one of the closets in the big house on the hill. It is still very easy to remember this and yet so hard to remember the rest. I would hide in the closet for hours and hope that I would never be found. One of the other six always would. This is the only time in my life that I hid in the closet. All my life people have asked me my coming out of the closet story. The only answer I have is I came out when I was found. My mother was the first to define what I was. I remember her telling me that I was different from the other boys. I was special. She told me that my life would be hard and that people would judge me for what I was and I had to find my own happiness in life and not let other people take away my joy. She never used the words homosexual or gay but even at that early age I knew what she was telling me.
I believe that people today think that in the 50's and 60's the Father ruled the roost. Not true. Mother held all the power! Sure it was Father that financially supported the family but it was Mother who made ALL the decisions. About everything. You might ask where all this power came from. The answer---right between her legs.
The woman of the 50's & 60's were liberated long before the term was ever used! Oh sure the women of today are more "equal" with men! I believe it won't be to many more years before we have our first woman President. The most powerful person in the World will be a woman! And this will be a good thing-- a very good thing! Men have screwed up America and the World for long enough.
However lets get back to Mother.
Mother used her power all the time. Father knew that if he did what Mother wanted than he would get what he wanted. It was really that simple! The women of today don't have the same power between their legs that they once did. Men will just go find what they need elsewhere. And so will women. It really isn't even a bargaining tool anymore. Is this Liberation? I think not.
A better term would be DIVORCE!
Mother-I adored her!
Believe me when I say--- I AM SO GLAD THAT I WAS BORN GAY! I really can't imagine being controlled by a body part. Oh wait- I AM! That's a story for another day!
Enjoy Tammy singing D-I-V-O-R-C-E Tammy was and always will be FABULOUS!
I remember once when my Mother and sister had gone to the grocery store and as always my Father was working, he beat me up. Very badly. He hated me for being gay and he hated anything that I loved. I loved my cat. After they left for the store he told me to put The Damn Cat outside and of course I said no. The next thing I know I was feeling the pain of a fist in my face and I fell to the floor. He kicked me and kicked me again screaming at me to put the cat out. I have always been very dramatic and even though I knew the beating would end if I got up and did as he said I just laid there and took it. When he finally realized that he had really done some damage –I was bleeding and could hardly move—( he never was very smart ) he tried to get me up off the floor to get me cleaned up. I wouldn’t move except when he was dragging me. I laid there bleeding until my Mother got home and found me. Needless to say she beat him with the belt she kept in the Kitchen closet. I loved it. As he was getting the belt I got up and gave him a look like I am fine stupid asshole ( even though I wasn’t) and then Mother cleaned me up and nursed me. Mother should have been a nurse. I think she missed her calling.
It was the summer of 1989 when I asked my Grand Ma Ma to drive me to the beach. We would always take drives to the beach but this time I asked her if I could spend the day by myself and have her pick me up at dusk. Her answer “ OK Darlin”. I met my first lover that day. I was walking along the shore line and saw a man around 25 lying on the beach. He had on a very small bathing suit and what I craved so very much was outlined perfectly. That feeling again. I keep walking back and forth in front of him and finally he stood up and came to the water’s edge. I could hardly keep my control. He said “ Hi…My name is Tino..What’s Yours?” I had to struggle to even say my name “Thom”! Tino invited me into his beautiful beach home and I was thrilled. It was only a little while before we were in the bedroom. It was several hours before I would leave that room. Several wonderful hours. Needless to say I would ask Grand Ma Ma to take me to the beach every weekend after that. Soon I got my drivers license and was able to take myself. Tino photographed us having sex. I still remember the excitement and pleasure I received from having these pictures taken. He would set up the camera and then put it on a timer and we would pose for the shot in various sexual positions. I always new I was going to be a star. This was as close as I ever came. I can’t remember why and how our relationship came to an end. I suppose it ended when I went off to college. It would be years before I would see Tino again. I was back home on vacation and I went to the only Gay Bar around. Almost as soon as I walked into the bar I saw Tino. He hadn’t changed at all. He was still very handsome and once again that part of me , the part that controlled me, wanted him. As I walked towards him it seemed to me that he remembered who I was. It didn’t take long to realize that the difference between 16 and 26 is one part of your life when your looks change a lot. I now know that there are many other times during our lives that our looks change A LOT. My first question to him was “Do you still have the photo’s of us having sex?”. He seemed a little stunned at first so I told him who I was and soon we were back to his house once again, although not the beach house. The feelings of seeing those photo’s once again are indescribable. I was so young. I was so naïve. I was so molested. At least, that is what it would be called in today’s world. Only a world filled with Hate and Evil could decribe the love I had received from this man as wrong.
I was in love at 16 and I could feel the love in return. How can that be evil? It will never be my definition of EVIL. We spent that night and the next night together in each others arms and inside each others bodies and this time not the Evil Priest who do Molest nor The hypocritical Bible Toaters could tell me I was being molested. I loved Tino and even though I have never seen him again I will always love him for loving me –at 16 and 26….
Oh--He loved Mother and he loved his children but for whatever reason he loved cards more! Cards were his true passion. We had a summer home at the beach. This was my passion. Father lost it one night to cards.
Mother always made sure after this "incident" that we would spend at least a month every summer in a rental cottage at the beach! Grand Ma Ma & Grand Pa Pa would drive down daily with baskets full of fresh veggies from their garden!
We would walk along the sand dunes and pick beach plums. Grand Ma Ma would take them home with her and make marvelous Beach Plum Jelly. She jarred it. I loved opening up a jar during the winter and being reminded that it wouldn't be to long before Mother would be renting another cottage. Grand Ma Ma & Pa Pa liked to play cards. Penny-Ennie! A simple game that I loved playing with them! Nothing like the cards that Father worshipped. I seldom saw my Father-he owned liquor stores, he worked a lot, and he played cards. POKER.
Mother made Spaghetti Sauce. Fresh Spaghetti Sauce from the tomatoes and peppers and onions –a gift from the earth in the back of the barn. I can still remember the smell of the sauce in the air.
I remember Grand Ma Ma preparing the Mason Jars that would be opened months later and then once again the winter air would be filled with summer. In the winter when the ground was covered with snow Mother would make Hot Cocoa. The house we lived in was atop the only hill in town. All the people of the town would rush with their sleds to the top of the hill after the snow fell. They knew that they would soon be getting a hot sweet cup of that cocoa. But first they had to give Mother what she desired. It was easy to accomplish this –they just had to have the time of their lives sledding down her hill. As the cocoa steamed on the stovetop Mother would watch out the kitchen window and be filled with joy , a simple joy that I don’t think is possible for many to feel today.
She had five of her own and hundreds from others and all of us loved her. The townspeople always thanked her for the joy the snow covered hill and her hot cocoa brought them. The truth be known –It was Mother that received the greatest amount of joy.
It was a time unlike today when there were never enough people for Mother to bring joy to. I am glad she is dead. The world of today has to much hatred in it to deserve Mother.